Bitter Sweet.

The most awesome thing happened today. My son was born. His name is Westley James.

Back when I first found out that I was going to be a father is was some of the most mixed up emotions I have ever felt. I was currently living in Bear, California. I was in a struggling relationship with the mom. I was lost and very confused about what to do. So scared. I found myself thinking, "man, how did this happen to me?" "why?". I almost flew back to MN in an instant. I was actually talked into staying there by the mother, Elliot Bliven. We thought it best for me to stay out there and continue shooting photos and riding. It was a difficult situation from the get go. I was so far away. She was trying to graduate from college. Eventually I stopped worrying about it and enjoyed the time i had out there. Still not knowing what to do, but just not worrying about it. In mid June the pressure became to much and I started telling everyone that I was going to be a dad. I was embarrased to say that I was expecting.. so scared. It seamed like each person I told was going to judge me on it. I wasn't confident in myself. Ha, I think when I told my bro's they were more excited than me though, I felt foolish. I came home to MN shortly after to look for work and to be with Elliot.
I can say that the plane ride home was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I was so high, it was the only way to let go of the friendships I had made in so-cal. Even then the stress kept me up all night on the plane. I tearred up time and time again. Regreting the leave so much, and so nervous about the approach. Back to home it was for me. My father picked me up at at 6am. The hour long drive back to home was awkward. I didn't like the landscape, I didn't like the area. It seemed all new. It made me even more nervous to be home. I asked my dad to stop at elliots home so that I might say hello. It had been since January and half a pregnancy later. I pictured her with a large tummy, and my child growing inside. Again, I was so scared I couldn't think. When we arrived at her home I ran inside. B-lined it straight to her bedroom where i knew she was sleeping. I opened the door and it creeked a little. She didn't stir. I walked so softly up to the edge of the bed. Excitement was boiling inside me. There she was, the girl I had spent most of my life with, the person I shared every feeling with. The mother of my child now. She woke as I leaned over her to give her a hug. Her blue eyes lit up at the unexpected guest. We held each other for a long period of time. I wept! Swearing to her that everything was now ok. That we were together again now and forever. I kissed her belly, whispering to my son. Saying that I was sorry for not being there from the beggining. Apologizing for missing 5 months of pregnancy. I left shortley after to go home and lay my head down in a place where I could sleep without worry for the first time in months. At that point everything was perfect.
Elliot and I were happily together for one week before our first fight. I specificly remember that it was about my best friend Jesse. I said that I missed him. I couldn't wait to go see him. She said he was no good for me. I stuck up for my friend, we broke up and didn't speak for some time.
A few weeks went by, still neither of us budged from our points of view. But we spoke to each other once again. We both were putting in effort to make this family work out. Always though it was something wrong. I drank and partied a bit, she would be so mad. Then she would do something and I would be mad. We clashed time and time again.
One day I stopped calling and writing. She stopped. Our relationship ended completley. I would check facebook almost every day to see what she was up too. Then that became uneventful and I quite doing it. There was no emotion between us.
Today was the first time I have actually spoken to Elliot in I think 2 months. We wrote sometimes. Each message was pretty much the same. No emotion unless we were mad. But today, today was different.
I recieved a Message from Elliot when I got home from work. My son had been born early in the morning. I almost threw my computer off me. I couldn't get to the hospital fast enough. When I arrived there I walked into the room. Elliot was washing in the bathroom, her mom was on the phone. I looked over and there was my son. In a little plastic basket on a cart. Wrapped up in the hospital garments. I have never felt like that before in my life. I could hardley move. I was shaking so furiously I couldn't pick him up even though I wanted to so badley!
Ugh.. I finally got the curage to pick him up. I held him so close. Kissed him. Told him I love him. Still shaking so hard I had to sit down. I was able to spend 15 min or so with him. 15min that changed my life. I am a father! I'm responsible for this dude. I'm his teacher. He depends on me now for life... I was asked to leave after 15min. And so it seems that, that is that.
I don't know how it got to this point. I don't know what is next. I don't know how much I will be able to see my son. I don't know where I will be living in the matter of a few months. I don't know if I can even find it in me to fight Elliot for a father's rights. I want the pain of our relatonship to end. I want to be the best father I can be. I'm so happy about my son, and so sad about the situation. I'm jealous that she has him so close, and I'm so far. I want to wake up at 2am and take care of him.. but i can't. Its an empty feeling inside me for now.

Hopefully I will have photos soon. When I do I will post.

peace,
nathaniel.